The Tale of Soulmates
A few years ago I started writing a series of books about soulmates. Each followed a different culture or religions beliefs through story in prose poetry. But I realized after completing a few, they were all pretty much the exact same story with a few differing details.
They all matched my first book. The tale of Spaceman that caused the moon to fall down to earth and await for his arrival, taking inspiration from Platos Symposium and Apuleius’s Cupid and Psyche. (For all you Disney nerds, that’s the story of Beauty and The Beast.)
Somehow everyone seemed to have gotten it right, through all of time and space—we all come back to the same few stories to describe the longing of agape and eros love.
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We were a part of them when a supernova exploded 4.5 billion years ago sending our oxygen molecules scattering into vast space, forming the sun and a solar system around it. Our hearts call out for another, giving us the sense of longing until we become one with the person sexually.
The poet Aristophanes, believed that humans were born with two sets of arms, legs, and heads–joined together until the Gods became jealous and separated humans into two parts, making us spend a lifetime finding our missing half. Aristophane explains, “And when one of them meets with his other half, the actual half of himself … the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy, and one will not be out of the other’s sight, as I may say, even for a moment.”
While the Chichimecas believed that our essence, our soul, was assembled in the heavens and as it traveled down towards us it broke into many pieces. Some of those pieces would land in our body while the rest would find a home in somebody else. We feel incomplete because we’re missing the other half of our soul—we long to be complete. That’s why when you meet someone for the first time, your soul seems to automatically recognize them and we fall deeply in love.
In the Talmud it’s believed forty days prior to the formation of a child, we’re matched with our soulmate. While the Kabbalah teaches that a soul’s heavenly source has male and female halves, which are incarnated into the world as separate souls with the goal of rectification brought on by their union. Only when the man and woman are fully righteous are they able to meet their true soulmate.
However, it is also believed that in some cases when the man’s sin is so great his soulmate is allowed to incarnate with him–leading the way to his rectification. They believe the women is purified in heaven, while the man must be purified on earth.
When the time comes for the man to get married, his union with his soulmate will be met with intense search and struggle—sometimes even separating the pair until the man is ready. Because of his sin, the Satan will speak high against him and attempt to prevent the union through the man and spread animosity between the couple. But with Gods divine intervention the couple is joined together in body and spirit, truly becoming one.
While John Paul II in Theology of The Body says, “When God-Yahweh said, “It is not good that man should be alone,” (Gen. 2:18) he affirmed that “alone,” man does not completely realize this essence. He realizes it only by existing “with someone”—and even more deeply and completely—by existing “for someone.”’
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Truthfully the topic is especially on my mind because a few books I’ve been asked to review involve explaining the connection between God and sex. Originally I thought the books, both written by academics, would mimic the path Theology of The Body took.
My mistake. They were both terrible.
Genuinely some of the worst neuro-biology focused books I’ve ever read.
One discovers the same neurological effect from an orgasm is the same effect our brain has in moments of deep faith or prayer. Which means, same parts of the brain fire, similar hormones are released, and both have moments of out of body ecstasy and calmness—most of all, both have some sort of bonding attributed to the chemicals the body releases. The author discovers that through sex people find a deep connection to their faith and through their faith, the author discovers people develop a greater intimacy with their partner boosting their sexual pleasure in the relationship. It seems as if John Paul II was right.
The issue arises when the author decided that indisputable proof is too religious for his argument and tries to alter the data to say religions idea of sex being sacred and powerful is wrong and we should have sex with as many people as possible to substitute for religion.
It was weird. Very strange turn.
The other, a look at the neuroscience and anthropology of Eros—sexual all consuming love. The author originally argues that Eros is a much more powerful love than agape—sacrificial love usually associated with God and soulmate. To that I say, the Greeks would completely disagree with you—and I think they’d know since they coined the terms and 7 types of love, agape being the grandest of them all.
The author continues to find research proving the strong eros soulmates feel and how that type of love is unique to two individuals, otherwise it’s lust and using another.
However this author decides to use that research to insult religions idea of sex being sacred and trash celibacy—because God forbid anyone has the strength to not give into their animalistic desires and practice Chasity.
Both books left a gross taste in my mouth.
My general idea when researching anything academic is if you’re wrong or your hypothesis doesn’t match your results—you gotta be grown enough to admit it. Otherwise it’s just unethical and bias. After all, we’re not always right—that’s the point of academic discussions, to learn and expand the conversation even if you’re wrong.
But I digress. That’s not the damn point.
The point is I starting thinking about what if John Paul II was completely right, as both neuro-biology and anthropology prove.
What does that mean for me?
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There’s a variation of two prayers that I pray everyday for him.
The Aaronic blessing, The Lord bless you, and keep you. The Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you. The Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.
And make him brave, make him strong, let him see himself as he truly is and let him know his worth is not in who he saves or what he accomplishes.
With the sometimes third addition of, let your angels go before him.
Pretty much every morning and every night my mind goes off like clockwork and from the outside it may look funny to say the prayers but I still do it.
It’s just not a question.
Because even if him and I may never get together or if the story ended or if one day there is a chance at something, years ago I decided he was a good man and circumstances don’t change my mind.
I still stand by that and because I do, I still wish him the world, even if I never see him get it.
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At its core, Theology of The body teaches the dignity of the human person but even more than that, it teaches us why we long for another person—why Eros and agape meet.
Why when we love someone, there’s this overwhelming desire to give ourselves to them through our bodies. We want to touch them, we want to be touched, to be completely consumed by them.
That desire is the path to holiness, John Paul II argues.
The most holy pursuit to bring us close to God where we embody Christ’s sacrifice.
John Paul II argues that our sexual urges are our desire for God but we find God in our lover, which is why sex is so sacred.
In a culture that says we’re souls with a body and we can give into our primal urges because we’re animals after all. John Paul II says we’re not animals, we just live in a world that distorted the goodness of sex. He says the desire to give ourselves completely and sacrificially through sexual and non-sexual endeavors is what we’re made for.
He validates the human desire while shining light on why it’s so overwhelming. Because shocker, God wants you to have sex if you’re called to have sex. But God also wants you to give yourself to the one, not to anyone who desires you or will use you. But someone who will equally sacrifice themselves for you and follow you in the pursuit of holiness.
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In 2010 science proved humans are wired for soulmates…one single person we’re meant to spend our lives with. From a genetic and neurological lens that’s what makes us a strong species that’s survived so much. The scientist who discovered it decided to go against calling it soulmates because and I fucking quote “he was uncomfortable with the term because it brought up baggage in his life.” Which again…what the hell?
In 2022 another study came out focusing on the neurocircuitry of the brain. The study found that we’re all born with a special ability to form intense sexual monogamy with one single person and to elevate them above all others as a perfect match for our unique genetics. This has been found throughout the animal kingdom in monogamous animals and it’s called pair bonding where animals are able to pick a partner to mate for life with that has the best genetic makeup that works with their genetic makeup.
What happens is oxytocin and vasopressin receptors in the brain linked with reward are activated when we see this person, which makes it easier to bond with them and build trust. Oxytocin released during sex and vasopressin released when the couple overcomes difficulties or has periods of bonding through closeness or challenges. The couple even has similar brain patterns, which is why you usually “click” with someone a bit easier.
Science has also attempted to prove we have more than one soulmate but hasn’t been able to, at least not yet.
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One of my favorite things to research is why we’re so obsessed with our love interest voice and how that plays into our sexual attraction for them. For example, when a women is more fertile her voice sounds more seductive to a man. How pitch of a mans voice indicates the size of their sexual organs, which is why they’re perceived as more attractive than men with higher pitch voices.
How hearing your loved ones voice generates the same brain activity as physically touching them, which is why audio messages are more enjoyable than just texting or photos. And how moaning is attractive because it boosts pair bonding and motivation to mate but it’s hard to study because the majority of women studied fake it (around 95%) and the majority of men don’t. So our research on why humans moan is incredibly inconclusive. You can also tell if someone is faking based on the pitch and syllable rate. Why
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Science doesn’t really have an idea when you stop wanting to touch someone or hear their voice or do bonding focused activities. Neither does religion. Go figure.
Philosophy never really looks at that realm.
All seem to agree that humans are built with this longing that can’t go away. Weirdly enough we have data to support this theory of love lasting love called the triangular theory of love.
It says love consistent of deep sexual passion, deep desire for intimacy and touch and long lasting commitment. Partners are obsessed with each others voices, the desire to touch and remain close, and express their love with their bodies. Surprisingly no one gauged how much of that desire comes from wanting to communicate feelings through words but I suppose self reporting data like that is harder to collect than brain scans of sexual desire.
There’s so much in our culture saying we’re horrible for having desires, even if we don’t act on it. That feelings can’t be real if it’s rooted in sexual desire or longing. But there’s not a single damn ounce of science I can find that proves relationships that don’t have sexual desire early on or lasting sexual desire are healthy.
After all the desire comes from our pheromones and other bodily signals to tell us someone is a good fit. From a spiritual standpoint no matter what belief you find yourself in, it seems the divine orchestrates it. John Paul II argues our sexual desire for another is our call to love another and give ourselves up for them. While neuroscience has all these markers that cause us to crave one person, from the sight of their body, to the sound of their voice, the pitch of their moans, and even our daydreams about them. While sociology and anthropology argue that we’re wired this way because it allows us to exist as a species.
But this desire is so villainized in our culture. Maybe it’s because our world is distorted and has a distorted view of sexual desire and love. Maybe it’s because everyone has a platform, so we can easily throw our insecurities on others and change the narrative. Maybe it’s because to love someone is to pick them and stay committed and commitment is scary.
After all, what if they expect perfection from us when relationships take work? No ones perfect, every relationship is different. We learn through each other, but it’s normal to think if we slip up or don’t know what to do, the other person will leave. After all, our TV, Movie, and Book culture push that idea down our throats. We must be perfect or we’re not lovable.
Which honestly I think is stupid. But that’s neither here or there.
It’s just the reality that these urges and desires aren’t bad and they never really were. In fact the more intense we felt for someone, the more we want to sacrifice and give ourselves to them, the healthier the relationship actually is. We just live in a distorted world that makes us lose sight of that, makes us afraid to commit and makes it easy to give into our desires for self protection instead of follow through on giving ourselves to another.
